Over the last few blog posts I have provided Jenn's life in a nutshell. An overview of where I've been and where I am now. There are a number of obstacles and struggles that I have overcome. I had mentioned before that I was a drinker...a very good drinker (at least I thought so). When people ask me why I don't currently drink my answer is always 'because I got really good at it'.
I had my first drink in high school. I think the night of my then boyfriends senior prom. No crazy stories to tell from that time. I tried it, I liked the buzz. It didn't become a full time part of my life until I went to college. I suppose 'everyone' drinks in college. Had my first blackout during my college drinking days. Went to class hungover. Had some great parties! During my last year on campus I was on housing probation...got caught a few times too many with alcohol in my room.
I had been aware of the possibility of a real issue fairly early. I told my parents in 1995 that I felt like I had a drinking problem. My parents listened to me and helped me meet with a counselor. I don't think the counselor took me seriously...I wasn't much older than 21...if that.
Over the next few years I went back and forth with drinking and not drinking. During that time it was determined that I suffered from depression and situational anxiety. My drinking was self medicating, but it took me a long time to realize that.
There are tons of stories that I could tell of my drinking days. I had a blast. Each night was a fun night. We went dancing every Thursday. We went to the bar Fridays and Saturdays...sometimes we even hit the club again for more dancing. As I got older I could have house parties! There were times that I changed my plans because I knew I could drink with person B more than with person A. There were times that I went to my 2nd job drunk. Or to my first job so hung over that I would close the door to the office and take a nap on the couch. No matter where I lived there was a local bar that I was regular. They'd know which beer was my favorite, how to make the perfect drink, and who would do shots with me. I even met my ex-husband at a bar; on a night that I was teaching another drinker everything I knew about shots.
A person on the outside might not have known how drinking was affecting me or my life. Everyone likes to have a good time. Everyone drinks every now and then. Everyone has a night when they have one too many. Maybe everyone even blacks out after they drink. But I knew drinking was affecting me personally and professionally.
In 2003 my first marriage hit a turning point. If I had paid attention I would've realized I needed to end it then. Instead, I drank to deal with my pain and the betrayal I felt. Being in a drunk haze made it easy to ignore how bad it really was.
In 2004 when I moved out of KY, I made a decision to quit drinking. I knew that I needed to change my life; to help me find a happy place. Though the drinking made me happy, I don't think it was the right kind of happy. A change of scenery = a change of habits.
My life did change. I had more time, more me time. I took up crocheting. I didn't really know what to do with myself. I didn't ravel back to RI to visit as often - I didn't really know how to interact with my friends anymore. I wasn't really sure I knew how to have fun without alcohol. I had made the better choice, for me; to quit drinking. And my friends and family respected that decision.
Not too long after I quit drinking, the habit was replaced...with food. If I was stressed I'd eat. If I was sad I'd eat. Ice cream was my go to stress reducer...and always made me feel better. If I was happy I'd eat; what better way to celebrate. Want to get together - let's go out to eat! Taco Bell and Wendy's were open late; perfect for when I decided I had a stressful night at my second job. I slowly gained weight. I had found a new addiction. Food was my comfort and my friend for the next year or so.
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